perilous domesticity

rev run posted the following two tweets yesterday:

“life’s a movie…stop playing the victim”

“the more you feel like a victim, whine like a victim, and act like a victim…the more you get victimized”

i totally agree.

aside from not wanting to work with crappy parents and their abused and/or neglected kids when trying to raise my own children, one of the reasons i left my job is that my tolerance for bullshit is just not very high.  i am a great listener, i love to help people, and i have a tremendous amount of empathy for people struggling through life, but i found that i am terribly impatient when it comes to people who refuse to take ownership of their problems and assume an active role in finding solutions.  blaming others, eternalizing responsibility, pointing fingers, acting like a victim, believing that other people are the cause of all your issues…these are the behaviors that drove me away from the counseling field, although the shitty pay might have also had something to do with it.  these behaviors are also the reason i hated working with addicts and people with personality disorders, and might also be why i get so wound up while watching Intervention on tv.

i’m not saying that i am completely innocent of this.  there are certainly days when i stomp my feet and want to scream “it’s not fair!”  in the past, however, there were months and years in which i felt this way.  i was angry, i was depressed, i was lonely.  the world was out to get me.  it had to be someone else’s fault.  everything was someone else’s fault.  i was miserable, only i couldn’t see that….or at least i couldn’t admit that.  my misery came out as quiet, self-righteous anger, and so i turned inward, silently cursing everyone around me for causing my pain.  this behavior ruined many opportunities to enjoy life and form friendships.  it caused me to make some bad choices.  it was such a waste and i wish i could have those months and years back.  i wish i had found a way to heal back then.

getting from there to here has not been an easy process, but the change started within me.  i was tired of being depressed and angry and lonely.  i realized that every “why me?” excuse was keeping me in the problem instead of moving toward a solution.  i started looking at the root of my issues, exploring my role in causing them, and then looking forward at my role in resolving them and instituting lasting change for the future.   exciting stuff, huh?  after all that, it was not a surprise to me that i was really drawn toward strength-based solution-focused therapy when i worked as a counselor.  i had personal experience to prove that change is possible.

i practice mindfulness, i count my blessings, i try to be compassionate, i think before i act, i actively give thanks for all i have to be grateful for.  i still experience moments in which i feel like everything is someone else’s fault, i think that’s human nature to some degree, but i don’t get stuck there, and that’s a nice thing.  it saddens me when i see people who are struggling with this battle day after day.  i remember how exhausting it was to be miserable and angry all the time , and i know now how much i missed out on the good stuff because i was stuck in the bad stuff all the time.   when i see people, especially friends, stuck in the bad stuff, i just want to shake them and wake them up to their misery and say, “don’t you see what you’re doing to yourself by doing this?  come on, let’s get happy!” not in those exact words, of course, but you get the gist.  i guess the bottom line that i found worked for me was learning that a) it sucks to be miserable, b) you don’t have to live your life in misery, and c) no one but yourself is responsible for causing your misery, and no one but you has the power to make it better.  so, c’mon folks…let’s all get happy!

switching a blog’s theme should be easy, right?  when i preview it it looks fine and dandy.  when i visit my site, it’s all sorts of whack.  maybe i should learn something about web design before i go off and try to prettify things around here.

five years ago i was seeing a therapist to work on some issues, yet i spent a surprising amount of time in those sessions talking about my dog’s anxiety and problematic behavior.  i wept and cried and sobbed about this dog.  she had arrived at the humane society as a stray.  it was clear that she had never had any obedience training, she had never walked on a leash before, she had possibly been mistreated.  i didn’t know her history, but i took her in anyway.  shortly after she arrived in my home i knew i was in over my head with her.  i cried to my therapist, i cried to the vet.  i gave her some doggie prozac, i took her too two different well-reputed canine behaviorists and three different training programs.   the meds didn’t seem to help at all, the training made some marked improvement in her behavior, but she was (and still is) far from being an exemplary canine citizen.

rudy’s a sweet girl, really; she wants to please people and she wants to be loved.  the biggest problem with her, though, is that she frequently goes from “oh, look!  another dog!  let’s play!” to “oh, look! another dog! must KILL!” in an instant.  not every single time she sees another dog, but frequently enough that we have to be on our toes whenever another dog comes around.  she’s gotten in enough vicious fights and caused enough harm for me not to feel comfortable allowing her to interact with other dogs, and unfortunately this means that we’ve had to limit the types of activities we can include her in, especially when children are present.  when i was about seven or eight months pregnant with my daughter, rudy attacked our great pyrenees (who has since passed away…don’t fret, his passing was due to old age.  he lived a long, happy life but developed arthritis and severe spinal stenosis and lost the ability to use his back legs so we made the humane decision to have him put to sleep after exhausting every treatment option available.)  during this fight i jumped between the two dogs, diving head first off the deck, landing on my very pregnant belly with my meaty arms thrust between gnashing jowls and sharp teeth, pulling the two dogs apart.  dumb move on my part, but it was instinctual.  it was not their first fight, nor their last, but it stands out in my head as the worst one, mostly because i was put in a very dangerous position.  i still see that fight in my head and shake with fear thinking how much worse it could have and would have been if there had been children around.  as a parent, that is simply not a risk i am willing to take.  so far, our dog has been great with our daughter (it’s a relationship we monitor vigilantly), but her behavior around other dogs is too unpredictable for us to potentially place our children in harm’s way should something “snap” in rudy’s little doggy brain around the kiddos.

for five-plus years we have made accommodations for this dog.  unfortunately, we’ve reached the point where we cannot continue to do what we’ve been doing.  i have a toddler, i’m pregnant, we’re going to have a new baby in a few months, i have a husband, i have a home to maintain…rehabilitating a dog with wonky brain chemistry stands way near the bottom of my priority list right now.  maybe that makes me a heartless dog-hater, but honestly i just don’t have the time or energy to do it.  we’re not just going to dump her at a shelter because it’s unlikely that she’d pass their behavior test and she’d be euthanized.  we’re not going to give her to someone who is unaware of her history, especially if that family has other pets.  we’ve contacted rescue organizations but she’s considered “unadoptable” because of her difficulty getting along with other dogs.  we’re looking for a good home, someone with lots of room for her to run, someone with patience and energy to devote to her special needs.  she deserves that sort of attention, she needs that sort of attention, and i know in my heart that we’re not able to meet her needs.  this is not a decision we’ve reached overnight.  we’ve been fighting this battle for over five years.  when do you say enough is enough?

so that’s the story with the dog.  judge me if you want, but it’d be more helpful if you offer to take this dog into your loving home, or make a suggestion as to what we can do with her.

i found this awesome old toy at the antique store today, and i can’t wait to turn it into a piece of art for the new baby’s room.  i have no idea what else to do in there, decor-wise, so i hope this will help inspire me.  i just love it.

this year, i’d like to:

1. potty train my daughter

2. enjoy the rest of my pregnancy without complication and welcome our baby boy into the world

3. track our spending and live (mostly) according to the budget guidelines we’ve set

4. realign our financial priorities to meet future goals

5. find a loving home for our dog so that she gets the attention she deserves

6. manage the transition to life with a newborn with patience, grace, and sanity

7. run 200 miles in a 6 month period, sometime after the baby comes

8. enter and run a 10K in the fall

9. finish projects i’ve started, instead of letting them linger while i move on to other things

10. plan and go on dates with my husband…get a babysitter to watch the kid(s)

11. take a weekend getaway with my husband – no kids – maybe in late fall.  leave the monkeys with the grandparents

12. finish the last remaining bits of baseboard that need to be installed (or delegate this task to my husband)

13. learn to use a power saw without fear of amputation

14. organize our endless piles of crap

15. purge: sell or donate excess clutter we don’t need

16. learn about gardening, maybe plant a few things this spring

17. bake bread regularly

18. weekly trips to the zoo when the weather permits

19. visit the aquarium

20. learn how to use my camera better.  learn to use photoshop better.  use my camera more.

21. be better about not leaving dirty dishes in the sink over night

boy.  sorry for that cliffhanger.

we find out if the baking baby has girl bits or boy bits.  we’re also meeting with a genetic counselor to go over some test results that my regular OB wasn’t totally comfortable interpreting on her own, but i’m feeling confident that this meeting is just an added precaution and that everything in there is just fine and dandy.  i’m getting antsy.

i woke up this morning with a cold.  i felt as if my ears had been stuffed with cotton, my lungs were full of sand, and my sinuses had been invaded by an angry troop of fire ants.  poor me, right?  and then i started crying when i thought about heather.  here i was griping about a head cold when heather just lost her life.  that puts a head cold into perspective mighty quick.

heather was the wife of a friend from school.  she is not someone i knew well, but i’d met her on a handful of occasions and knew her well enough to know that she was a wonderful person.  she was diagnosed with breast cancer in october of 2008, shortly after the birth of their third child.  her cancer spread rapidly but the love and support of her friends and family grew at an even faster pace, rallying around her with hope and prayers until the very end.  she fought the disease with grace and dignity but, tragically, she lost her battle last saturday.

since her diagnosis, and even more so since her passing, i have found myself sobbing uncontrollably when i think of heather.  she was young, only 34 years old, and the mother of three young children.  she was a good person. she was kind and generous.  she was strong in her faith, devoted to her family, a loving wife and mother, and a caring friend.  it all just seems so unfair.  why her?  why so young?  why now?  what lesson is there to be learned from her illness and loss?  how do you make sense of it?

i think her passing has really struck me because she represents me, in a way: 30-something woman, wife, mother, friend, seemingly in good health.  and then the unthinkable.  it really makes me recognize my own mortality, but more than that it makes me focus on the preciousness of every single day.  i am so blessed to have an amazing daughter and another little baby on the way, i have an amazing husband, a warm home, a healthy able body, and plenty of food to eat.  but none of those blessings are guaranteed.  it could all be taken away tomorrow.

it’s easy to take all these things for granted, especially when bogged down by the ins and outs of the daily grind (not to mention the distress of sinus congestion ::waaah::), but i’m consciously trying to slow down and be thankful for all the little moments and the tiny blessings in my life.  i guess that’s the lesson to take from all this; gratitude for every moment and appreciation for every day.  i am grateful that i have the opportunity to count my blessings.

winter is a hard season for me.  snow, wind, freezing temperatures, gray skies, short daylight hours, being housebound, muddy footprints on the hardwood floors….it’s all enough to send a gal over the edge.

but, i’m trying my best to embrace it by listening to bing crosby and frank sinatra sing christmas tunes while i watch the snow flurries swirl and dance outside my window.  life is good.  pass the cocoa.

i need to take a shower (there i go with the “shoulds” again) but instead i’m sitting with my laptop, wasting time on facebook, contemplating reading another little house book. it’s a wild monday night in my world.

i realize that this post is pointless but i’m trying to post something everyday, without having to commit to NaBloPoMo. i suck at follow-through.